Kinky Tikki: Perverse Pilgrim

So you've met Miss Stiffy and you've had our male perspective writer who has yet to choose a name for himself. Now, our fourth and final writer: The wonderful Kinky Tikki!

Perverse pilgrim, warped wanderer, salacious sightseer, I suppose you could call me Franksexual’s 'foreign correspondent'. I’m currently in Tokyo and planning to do more travelling over the next year or so. I’m also, perhaps, your window into a bit of kink. 

I hesitate to describe myself as 'kinky', since in the grand scheme of things I’m pretty laid – back: your conception of what counts as extreme definitely shifts in relation to what you’ve seen, so it’s sort of impossible to put kink on a graph. I usually say that on a scale of vanilla to… err…  liquorice, I’m about cinnamon. 

I’ve tried a few things and floated around the fringes of the kink scene for a few years, but I’m by no means experienced. I do adore the unconventional, challenging and lascivious things in life, though, and I have a tendency to seek them out. Comfort zone? What comfort zone?

When I was asked to write for Franksexual, I must admit I saw it as a challenge. Maybe even an excuse, as though I should need one. I’m now officially TASKED with the job of getting into all sorts of mischief in order to answer those burning questions everybody has about the Japanese sexual underworld, viz:

'Do they really have tiny cocks?'

'Do they all secretly lust after schoolgirls and tentacles?'

'Do they really sell used knickers in vending machines?'

'After all the rape porn they’re inundated with, does “no” kind of mean “yes”?'

'Do all Japanese girls really make that squeaky noise in bed?'

'What do they think of Westerners and our own sex lives?'

So stay with me, dear readers, as I attempt to answer all this and more. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it. 

Men Who Lose Interest After Sex

It is not a hard and fast rule, there are exceptions, but general advice on the street is usually to avoid sleeping with a man until the 3rd date. Hopping into bed with a guy on the first night might mean instant sexual gratification but it can pose problems after if you're looking for something more serious - or even just simply 'some more of the good stuff'.

I have been known to not take this advice often and I have suffered the consequences. Now, I have a bit of a problem with this rule. 

Sometimes you get drunk...

Sometimes you get carried away... (if you're impatient and cock hungry like me)

Sometimes you're not even sure if you like the guy but sleeping with them is a good form of research...

Sometimes you think:

 'Hey! This is the 21st Century, woman have adapted with the pill...come on men! Get modern...'

It seems these thoughts still don't change things. If you find yourself dealing with a guy who has lost interest...I'm afraid it is what it is and all you can do (to keep your self-respect in tact) is to move on.

What you mustn't do is turn bunny boiler and chase them...you're not getting this lost opportunity back.

So...why do I mention this? 

Well, because it is two, almost three days later and I don't know have a clue where I stand with Mr Sporty yet. I have hardly seen him to be fair and it can take a while for the 'mist' to clear.

I've been very well-behaved though. No texts, no chasing, no nothing. Just the odd smile in passing here and there. It really is up to him to decide the next move and this is very important if I want to 'rescue' this and maybe start something.

I don't know if I do want to start something...

But I'd like to also keep my options open as I do fancy him a little and it could be fun. I may have already screwed it up though...

But then, if I have...it was never right or meant to be in the first place. I'll keep you posted anyway...

PS I just also read this article whilst I was doing some research...Even I have to admit I was talking too much in my still drunk stupor the next morning...

Damn it! I always do this! Hmm...not sure the odds are in my favour!

Oh and I love yahoo answers take on this from some random chat room:

Sex is used by women to CREATE bonding and intimacy.
Sex is used by men to DECIDE whether or not we will create bonding and intimacy.

Well there you go...the ball is in his court.

You know how I wrote about options...?

Well...one surprisingly presented itself -or should I say 'himself' as he is a person - to me on Saturday night. It just goes to show again how wrong I often am about these things. I always think 'nah...that will never happen.' - perhaps I underestimate myself  - and then I'm rather wide-eyed in disbelief and startled when things do actually happen.

It started like a normal night with dinner and some drinks round mine and we then popped out for a few more as it was still early hours. My intention was to then head home...

Fast forward through many red wines, beers and tequila shots and we've got some crazy dance floor antics. Its all a bit blurry (too many dance spins and twirls) but I was talking away as you do and engrossed in conversation and I don't know...the more you drink the more tactile you get... and before I know it I'm being enticed down the road at 3am in some direction nowhere near to home and then I'm waking up at sometime around 10am and wondering where I am and who left the lights on - oh that is actually the sunlight...!!!

I did wake up to a nice view - in more ways than one. His house overlooks the sea. The rest of the morning was spent nursing a hangover, feeling too sick to really move or do much else other than huddle shakily (me, not him) together under a blanket on the sofa. When I finally had the energy he lent me an umbrella and walked me to a place I recognised and I crawled home and into bed.

Before I had even properly digested the evening's events I realised I was due to talk to my Spanish friend on Skype (was it 4 o'clock already!?!) and that I would have to tell him because we don't really keep anything from each other.

I decided to go with the open approach. We're not dating and he's not the jealous type and I'd rather be truthful and totally 'me' with him. I was a little worried though. We talked and it all seemed to go okay but later he got in touch again and we discussed it all a bit more in-depth. I feel better about it now and whilst he isn't glad about my actions he's not upset either. We're 'cool' so to speak.

As for my work colleague...I have to face him today and see how the dust has settled. What this will all lead to I have no idea, no real expectation and I'm in no rush. He's a very nice man so I don't expect any dick head behaviour though.

Oh and in case you're wondering...it was the Sporty one.... 

Miss Stiffy: I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours

Introducing our latest writer: Miss Stiffy, a twenty something lovefool looking for love in all the wrong places, fumbling in her newly found singledom like a furious horny mole.

Modern relationships are a funny thing, hey? The boundaries change from day to day and if you're a bit like me, you're likely to run into trouble at some point. Or crash face first into a wall, completely destroying any shred of dignity you thought you once had.

I suppose after four years in a relationship that I was misguided in thinking that I knew what to expect or that somehow, with age and experience, that I was in the know.

Well, that relationship recently came to what mostly resembles an end. It was all very grown up and matter of fact. You're going to be there for a long time and I'm going to be here so let's just say 'see you later' and hope that one day we do, in fact, actually see each other. In the meantime, lets concentrate on our careers and be all mature and cool and adult about it. Fine, fine. All good. And I genuinely thought it was.

Or at least I did until my super hot guy friend (on whom I secretly had a crush) from the coffee shop got in contact after a few months of my being in the single world. 

It all started with an innocent picture of a chocolate pumpkin on my lap but before I knew it (what's that behind the pumpkin?) it was rapidly resembling something more like soft porn. I guess that sometimes happens when you've got a whole bunch of pent up frustration you didn't realise you had and needed to vent.

And so our deal was tit for tat. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Oh the wonders and immediacy of modern technology! From chocolate pumpkin to papping my own breasts in the mirror. I felt completely comfortable in forging ahead, pausing only momentarily to think 'is this really slutty?' and brushing it off. We were equals. We had each denied wanting it for such a long time and were now comparing notes. Both plunging into the pool of pure filth hand in hand. These are contemporary times and, what's more, I bloody felt like it. Plus, we're both adults, you know? You know? (Please tell me you know?)

It was scintillating. It was delicious and it made me feel really damn good. Your totally cool chica. That's me. Showing my vag to the coffee boy in exchange for his lovely penis.

Well, fast forward a full month and there has yet to be another word from coffee boy's mouth and obviously I'm not. fecking. impressed. However, what I'm mostly not impressed with is not that fact that he is ignoring me (even though it's the mark of a totally vile beast) but a few words a girly friend of mine dared to utter when I regaled her with my sorry sordid story.

 'Well, what did you expect? Of course he was going to ignore you after.' 

'Erm. I'm sorry. Come again? Did you actually just say and imply what I think you just said and implied?!'

I suppose I'm the fool. Of course! What did I expect? Naturally if you show someone your vagina in exchange for their cock then you're a slut and that gives any guy the go-ahead pass to completely deny your existence the following day. Oh and it's all your own stupid fault. It's not as if we're both supposed to be adults just having a little girl on guy fun. It's not because as women we have become sexually liberated and it's certainly not because we're equals, he and I. 

Oh no, because girls shouldn't be like that, should they?  

When he asked me what was behind the chocolate pumpkin, I should have said 

'My 100 denier Marks and Spencers tights thanks'

and saved the trouble.

Silly me. Silly boy. Silly fucking vagina.

P.S I love my vagina, really. 

What are my options?!

So I am in Spain and I want to learn Spanish...

Many bright sparks tell me knowingly: ' Find yourself a Spanish boyfriend....'

Well...okay, thanks for the tip...but where? I teach teenagers and kids and I don't come across many tasty male Spaniards, unless you count my banker but he's average and if I f-ck that up then who will help me with my banking?!

There is my Spanish friend but we've already covered that ground though he is a great asset.

Ok Cupid is another place to turn but seriously...?! I think I must be too fussy as every person on there seems to be a moron.

What is it with dating sites? All the men look like they are posing - don't get me started on photos of men holding up their iphones as they snap themselves in the mirror!!! I hate it! - or they write just the most pretentious stuff when engaging with you.

The last suitor was getting all excited and kinky one minute after only a few lines of conversation, inviting me to chat on whatsapp (no thanks...not until I know you're not a weirdo that I can't shake loose), and the next he was asking me if I wanted to go for a blueberry tea....Bizarre.

Anyway he looked like the son, Neil, of hotel owners from Dirty Dancing - you know who I mean? (see photo if not) The cheesy, arrogant twatbag who wants to dance 'The Pechanga!' I stopped writing back as I often do when they fail to impress me.

So I look around me and I end up focussing my attention on my male colleagues who are a rather decent and lovely bunch of gentlemen. Except they are English...Hmm...

But in terms of talent it is still worth consideration, (they aren't unattractive and they are very nice)...except that's as far as I get there too. One or two of them might be worthy of a fling but in terms of something substantial I think I'd be wasting my time. Let's break it down and consider the three contenders:

The Sporty One

Possibly the most attractive. Tall, lean, bearded...bright, expressive eyes and a nice smile. Very chatty and intelligent and probably the best option. Except he's often out doing his own thing and he's too into football for my liking and healthy living and sport...I don't mind this but I need someone who is sometimes a bit of a deviant and the occasional couch potato. I promised myself this after my long term ex.

The Friendly One

Lots in common and lots to talk about. A really interesting and lovely guy...except he's riddled with surgical scars, he's shorter than me (total no-no) and he's just not my type. Plus he seems a lot older than he actually is - not that this is a bad thing, just saying...

The Nowhere Man

Also attractive with a nice body from climbing regularly - he looks excellent for his age in terms of physical fitness - but he's quiet and a drifter who admitted to me that he's secretly somewhat depressed.  He doesn't know where he's going to and he needs to work this out. He's floated from one station to the next all his life without what seems to be any real consideration or passion. Once he knows what he wants I think his life will become easier. Though when this will be looks uncertain. The last thing he needs is someone clouding his vision and I don't want to appear to be a solution as I wouldn't be. I'd just become a problem.

So...the well is dry. Not ideal when I am meant to be writing about relationships and sex... Fortunately there are other writers who can contribute and there are always the archives! You'll just have to bear with me I'm afraid!

Emotional rationalisation: Something to add...

RS: Hey!

ES: Oh hey...what do you want?

RS: Well I've been thinking...

ES: Yes?

RS: You know how this year you slept with two guys who had girlfriends?

ES: Oh...yeah that.

RS: DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN!

ES: I won't.

RS: Dude, it is so not cool. Once is possibly understandable, people are human...it happens... but twice?!!

ES: You sound like my best friend.

RS: They're right. What do you think it says about you?

ES: That I was selfish...that I gave into desire...that I didn't think about the bigger picture.

RS: Right. Do you want to be that kind of person? Where are your morals? How would you like it if someone did it to you?

ES: I know. I did think about that at the time briefly but then I just decided to take the karma whack later.

RS: Well...People will always disapprove and they will think less of you.  Not that you should care what people think always but...You should care about yourself! Your decency is coming into question here! You really should have more self-respect...and self-restrain for that matter! Aim higher and don't be a douche bag. No one really gains from that sort of situation, okay?

ES:...Well... there is the sexual gratification in the moment...

RS: ...but it is short-lived and then there is aways the guilt! And if you're not feeling guilty...?!!!

ES: Okay, okay...I don't know why I let it happen...Well I did...they were both too fit to resist. I guess I was just being selfish, it was thrilling and I thought no harm could come of it as no one would find out.

RS: Well, you're wrong - if anything you've harmed yourself. You have called your character into question, I thought you wanted more for yourself?

ES: I do...I guess I just rationalised that it was all part of life's rich tapestry and a mistake to try and then be able to take something from it...the experience, a lesson learnt.

RS: Rationalised? Don't blame me for this... Well, consider it a lesson. It is not a good thing to do.

ES: Ok, ok...point taken.

RS: Good....but I'm watching you!

Emotional rationalisation: inner dialogues

This is an inner dialogue between my emotional side and my rational side about recent friendship worries.

ES: I'm angry with my friends.

RS: Anger is not going to get you anywhere.

ES: Okay, I'm a bit fed up then.

RS: That's better. Why?

ES: Well...I love them but some (in particular) of my closest friends have been pretty lame at keeping in touch and showing me they care.

RS: They do care about you, they are just busy.

ES: That's the same old excuse you give me every time.

RS: Well, it is true. Anyway, they have been in touch so you're kind of exaggerating and maybe blowing things out of proportion. You know you tend to do that and your friends have even told you that yourself.

ES: Yeah...but I remember days when our correspondence was more frequent and plentiful.

RS: Life changes and it can't always be a show centred round you.

ES: No, I'm not saying it should be...

RS: Plus you don't live in their city anymore and they could argue that it is you who has taken yourself off.

ES: I don't know...I just would like to hear from them a little more. I want more meaningful conversations to reassure me that I'm still special to them.

RS: I'm sure you are special to them...

ES: Well I don't feel that way...

RS: Well, isn't that your problem? And you've just got to deal with it. You need to work at letting go.

ES: Yeah I guess...still, I'm allowed to feel fed up a bit, right?

RS: Yes, but if you start getting demanding and grumpy with your friends you know you'll always get the opposite of what you desire...

ES: Man, this is frustrating!

RS: Yes, I suppose it is. Look, just leave it for now. Go busy yourself with making new friends and having new experiences. Your old friends will be in touch sooner or later if they are worth anything.

ES: Yeah but I worry, I have been busy doing all you said...

RS: Come on...don't focus on the negative. I know you miss these friends and worry about losing them or them not valuing you enough as you value them but it is also down to needs. They are in a city surrounded by your other friends - their needs are being met, your needs are wanting because you are in a new place and you have been in a lot of new places over the last few years and this is a great thing but doubt and loneliness initially come as part of the package. Anyway you need to look at the positives...

ES: Go on...

RS: Those other friends who are more reliable right now and in regular contact. The ones you've been Skyping and sharing long emails with. You have lots of friends! What does it matter about a few? Things ebb and flow...maybe one day in the future these people who write now will be busy and those other friends will be more abundant...you just never know.

ES: OK...yeah. You're right. I just hope that distance doesn't destroy things in the end.

RS: It shouldn't...and anyway we live in a world of social media and connection these days. It is hard to lose total contact.

ES: OK, but one more thing...there was that drama I had with that one friend back in June. I worry there is still ill feeling. I really don't know what brought that on...

RS: Yes you do, she was stressed from her course.

ES: OK, but girls don't forget these things...what if she is harbouring bad feeling still?

RS: What? Like you?! Let it go...it is colouring your perception.

ES: I'm trying to but I worry...

RS: You worry too much!

ES: Yes, yes I do.

RS: Just be patient. If in doubt, do nought. Just wait and see how the tide turns.

ES: Ok...but you know patience is my weakest point, right?

RS: Well that is something to develop then. Now go and do something else rather than writing out this dialogue to sort out your feelings!

ES: Okay! (reluctantly) Thanks....

RS: Anytime! I know you'll be back.