Emotional v Rational: Self-Respect

One of the reasons I began this blog was because I wanted to talk and explore at times the topic of self-respect. In the past, this element was highly lacking in much of the way I conducted myself in and out of my relationships, although I didn't realise it. I learnt the hard way through experience. 

Today when I look around and listen to other women's stories, I often find I'm not the only one with this problem. As I continue to write this blog, I hope to explore the topic in great depth but today it we'll just touch upon it a little.

RS: So you - we - should be really proud of ourselves.

ES: Hmm...Nope, I feel glum...Glum, Glum, GLUM!

RS: Well, you were never a great one at letting go...but you've done it before, you can do it again.

ES: Yeah but it sucks. He was the closest thing to perfect in ages.

RS: I know, I know and whilst you can't deny or suppress these sad feelings, you know they will play out of your system eventually. Just keep them behind closed doors as much as possible, ok? Don't keep sharing them with any one who's around to listen -that's also a big flaw of yours.

ES: Yeah I know...

RS: Listen. You did the right thing by calling it off with Mr Sporty and taking a step back. If you'd carried on - sure, you would have been happier for a little while but the doubt would have kept nagging. You would have been living in a dream world and the longer you'd stayed in it, the harder the fall would have been later. Not only did you protect yourself but you did the most positive thing you could have done because you gave him space to work out how he feels in his own time without pressure or coercion. 

ES: I suppose...

RS: No, I am right. If he comes back to you now then it is because he has decided he wants you - not simply because he's going through the obligatory functions and playing out the role expected, all the while thinking about how to break it to you gently. 

ES: I really don't think he's going to come back though...

RS: Well then...he wasn't right for you and never was. I know it hurts but it is best to know this now. And anyway, if he doesn't come back? Well, you've handled it really well and he's still being cool with you so you've saved face and you might still have a great friendship. Plus he does fancy you. You know he does - there is no disputing that. It is just that he's very settled in his ways. He probably still wants you even now but he can't and that's just tough luck I'm afraid. He can't have his cake and eat it. If you're going to get glum behind closed doors...let him get sexually frustrated. 

ES: I guess I can take some comfort in that.

RS: Do, but then move on.

ES: I will try my hardest. Your logic helps to soothe the blow...but sometimes I let it all build up and I get sad again - you know those times - when you're alone or walking -times when you get stuck inside your head. Plus I can't help it. I do wait to see what will happen next.

RS: I know, but just keep those thoughts inside and take pleasure in the here and now. Go walk by the sea if you have to. As for waiting to see what happens - sure, watch if you can't help it, but also start looking at other avenues. Don't become obsessional. Don't chase after more grief.

ES: When you put it that way it does sound like solid advice.

RS: It is. You deserve to be treated well and adored and you deserve to be happy - so do all you can to make that your obsession if necessary.

ES: Thanks...

RS: And I'll always be here to listen and talk it though.

Emotional v Rational: The Waiting Game continues...

ES: So you know this guy at work?

RS: Yeah...

ES: I'm getting a tinsy-weensy bit impatient.

RS: Hmm...Patience was never your virtue.

ES: Well...it is just that - I've read the books...if a guy is 'into you' surely you know? Like, he's meant to be chasing you and stuff?

RS: Yes, I guess so.

ES: And he's kind of sending me mixed messages right now. Hot one minute, detached and simply friendly the next. I think he's making up his mind. He pretty much said so in the last text he sent...

RS: So give him some time...be patient.

ES: Yeah but isn't that a BAD sign? That he needs time to make up his mind?! Why can't he instantly see how wonderful I am?

RS: It might not have anything to do with you and everything to do with him.

ES: Hmm.... What if you're just making excuses for him? I just have a bad feeling about this and I'm trying to, you know,...practise self-respect and all that jazz...

RS: Yeah but you're not losing any self-respect right now by simply holding back and waiting. If you go charging in there making demands like a bull in a china shop then you certainly will....

ES: Hmm.... okay, I see your point. I'll try and be patient.

RS: Good - it will be excellent practise for you. Keep me posted.

ES: Hmpf!

Emotional rationalisation: Something to add...

RS: Hey!

ES: Oh hey...what do you want?

RS: Well I've been thinking...

ES: Yes?

RS: You know how this year you slept with two guys who had girlfriends?

ES: Oh...yeah that.

RS: DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN!

ES: I won't.

RS: Dude, it is so not cool. Once is possibly understandable, people are human...it happens... but twice?!!

ES: You sound like my best friend.

RS: They're right. What do you think it says about you?

ES: That I was selfish...that I gave into desire...that I didn't think about the bigger picture.

RS: Right. Do you want to be that kind of person? Where are your morals? How would you like it if someone did it to you?

ES: I know. I did think about that at the time briefly but then I just decided to take the karma whack later.

RS: Well...People will always disapprove and they will think less of you.  Not that you should care what people think always but...You should care about yourself! Your decency is coming into question here! You really should have more self-respect...and self-restrain for that matter! Aim higher and don't be a douche bag. No one really gains from that sort of situation, okay?

ES:...Well... there is the sexual gratification in the moment...

RS: ...but it is short-lived and then there is aways the guilt! And if you're not feeling guilty...?!!!

ES: Okay, okay...I don't know why I let it happen...Well I did...they were both too fit to resist. I guess I was just being selfish, it was thrilling and I thought no harm could come of it as no one would find out.

RS: Well, you're wrong - if anything you've harmed yourself. You have called your character into question, I thought you wanted more for yourself?

ES: I do...I guess I just rationalised that it was all part of life's rich tapestry and a mistake to try and then be able to take something from it...the experience, a lesson learnt.

RS: Rationalised? Don't blame me for this... Well, consider it a lesson. It is not a good thing to do.

ES: Ok, ok...point taken.

RS: Good....but I'm watching you!

Emotional rationalisation: inner dialogues

This is an inner dialogue between my emotional side and my rational side about recent friendship worries.

ES: I'm angry with my friends.

RS: Anger is not going to get you anywhere.

ES: Okay, I'm a bit fed up then.

RS: That's better. Why?

ES: Well...I love them but some (in particular) of my closest friends have been pretty lame at keeping in touch and showing me they care.

RS: They do care about you, they are just busy.

ES: That's the same old excuse you give me every time.

RS: Well, it is true. Anyway, they have been in touch so you're kind of exaggerating and maybe blowing things out of proportion. You know you tend to do that and your friends have even told you that yourself.

ES: Yeah...but I remember days when our correspondence was more frequent and plentiful.

RS: Life changes and it can't always be a show centred round you.

ES: No, I'm not saying it should be...

RS: Plus you don't live in their city anymore and they could argue that it is you who has taken yourself off.

ES: I don't know...I just would like to hear from them a little more. I want more meaningful conversations to reassure me that I'm still special to them.

RS: I'm sure you are special to them...

ES: Well I don't feel that way...

RS: Well, isn't that your problem? And you've just got to deal with it. You need to work at letting go.

ES: Yeah I guess...still, I'm allowed to feel fed up a bit, right?

RS: Yes, but if you start getting demanding and grumpy with your friends you know you'll always get the opposite of what you desire...

ES: Man, this is frustrating!

RS: Yes, I suppose it is. Look, just leave it for now. Go busy yourself with making new friends and having new experiences. Your old friends will be in touch sooner or later if they are worth anything.

ES: Yeah but I worry, I have been busy doing all you said...

RS: Come on...don't focus on the negative. I know you miss these friends and worry about losing them or them not valuing you enough as you value them but it is also down to needs. They are in a city surrounded by your other friends - their needs are being met, your needs are wanting because you are in a new place and you have been in a lot of new places over the last few years and this is a great thing but doubt and loneliness initially come as part of the package. Anyway you need to look at the positives...

ES: Go on...

RS: Those other friends who are more reliable right now and in regular contact. The ones you've been Skyping and sharing long emails with. You have lots of friends! What does it matter about a few? Things ebb and flow...maybe one day in the future these people who write now will be busy and those other friends will be more abundant...you just never know.

ES: OK...yeah. You're right. I just hope that distance doesn't destroy things in the end.

RS: It shouldn't...and anyway we live in a world of social media and connection these days. It is hard to lose total contact.

ES: OK, but one more thing...there was that drama I had with that one friend back in June. I worry there is still ill feeling. I really don't know what brought that on...

RS: Yes you do, she was stressed from her course.

ES: OK, but girls don't forget these things...what if she is harbouring bad feeling still?

RS: What? Like you?! Let it go...it is colouring your perception.

ES: I'm trying to but I worry...

RS: You worry too much!

ES: Yes, yes I do.

RS: Just be patient. If in doubt, do nought. Just wait and see how the tide turns.

ES: Ok...but you know patience is my weakest point, right?

RS: Well that is something to develop then. Now go and do something else rather than writing out this dialogue to sort out your feelings!

ES: Okay! (reluctantly) Thanks....

RS: Anytime! I know you'll be back.