I should be feeling great this morning after cooking a kick-ass Christmas feast for 12 people in someone else's kitchen but I feel quite sad.
Maybe it is a hangover or lack of sleep...I could blame these things. However, I think it is the realisation that as much as I'd like things to work out with Mr Sporty...I feel in my heart of hearts they are not going to.
Let's look at the positives first. We have a great chemistry and we really fancy each other. Good start eh? Conversation comes easily and we're both nice people (he's not a dickhead) who work in the same industry and we both appreciate each other right down to the little things. We're different but that is okay. The sex is really good, he's very sensual and he's a great kisser. He ticks a lot of boxes.
But then there are some major boxes he doesn't tick. He has been single for a long time. He likes his space and his freedom and he's not sure that it will be easy for him to change though he wants to try. His moods fluctuate. One minute he's with me and he feels so present and so there and then the next he's as far away as he can possibly be.
A challenge is one thing but I think this is going to be some awful hard work and whilst I can try to be patient and easy-going there is not a lot else I can do. We've talked about it and he has said that there will come a point soon where he'll know if he can or can't commit. And if he can't...it won't be me. It will simply be him not being ready or willing. He tells me this so I don't get attached and so I can protect myself and not get hurt.
It has been three weeks of seeing this guy and he's telling me this late last night as we head back to mine. We then get into bed and it is fantastic for ten or so hours. We talk and play with each other all night and it feels so good and we're both happy. In these moments he says that he cannot imagine walking away but we know that this is only in these moments. The morning will come, the day will develop and then he'll slip away again. Which he does...like someone flipped a switch around 11am.
And it makes me feel really sad because its just another hope I pinned on someone that will probably never come to light. It was all the promise and potential that I can now see slipping through my fingers once again. I haven't liked someone like this in some while and now I know I will have to draw in a breath, take a step back, push through the pain and watch it all unfold and play out.
I would like to be wrong. I could be wrong and pessimistic but so many other past experiences have told me not to kid myself. Still, I'll hold on and see...and then I'll deal with it and keep moving on.