When a girl puts out too soon...

...it is like opening all your Christmas gifts at once...

Yes, this is what my friend related to me - the words of one of my previous suitors. The cheek! But then...I did think he was possibly gay and I didn't keep that quiet (well I did to his face...).

I never thought we were very well suited anyway and I'd kind of just seen it as a casual fling but it was interesting to hear this perspective. I promptly Googled the topic and the Internet of course has a whole array of opinions on the matter - some in favour, some not. I don't think there is a hard and fast rule.

I'd been thinking about it for a while anyway. Many would say it is a two way street and there are double standards at play here but maybe there is some truth or at least a pattern of behaviour to be noted and something to be learnt.

2012 has seen me being a bit reckless and as the year ended, despite beginning this blog, I began to see abstinence as an intriguing option. It didn't help that sex with Mr Sporty left me with a UTI which needed addressing right before the holiday season began...an extra festive slap in the face after we drew a line under the situation before I headed home. Let's just say Mr Sporty should be renamed Mr Commitment Phobe... 

It is disappointing but you can't change people and whilst there was a lot of lust (we still had fantastic farewell sex) I didn't want to delude myself or end up getting hurt as I really was beginning to like the guy.

So I was thinking about how I was so quick to jump into bed with guys. This is the problem - I often throw caution to the wind and go straight to the sex because, at that moment in time, desire takes a hold and pleasure is all I am seeking. I am not viewing the said male as a potential partner, I'm just looking for fun. The problem arises when the sex is superb, the chemistry is right and I then want more...I begin to see the potential and a relationship crosses my mind.

But if we go with my previous suitors attitude...then I've already blown my chances there. So what's a girl like me to do? I act a bit like a man in that sense -if you remember that quote I found that I mentioned in a previous post on the same topic:

Sex is used by women to CREATE bonding and intimacy.

Sex is used by men to DECIDE whether or not we will create bonding and intimacy.

I also find this situation with the previous suitor rather weird when I consider it from another angle too... The guy is now dating a girl who is far less attractive than me (not really my opinion but his, when he unfavourably described her to me, over a pint in the pub, using the words 'large nose' and then proceeding to complain about how annoying she was). 

I guess she didn't put out initially... but he's shagged her now so... surely, if you lined the two of us up and took out the social contexts...I (not meaning to sound arrogant) would be a better choice?!

Why does game playing have to be so important? Or is this guy just an idiot?! 

I think he may just be an idiot...but I still am thoughtful about his festively-put point.

Maybe abstinence is a good idea. Well...not full blown abstinence but the 'three date rule' would be a good one to drag up again. It is stupid to shag a guy repeatedly, let those love endorphins multiply and then realise he's a dick as you're beginning to get attached. Maybe it is wiser to suss out the situation a bit more first...I guess it is good discipline to start getting into the practise of. 

My best friend and I discussed the topic and she also brought up the issue of confidence. We have a friend who is desperate for love and offers sex on a plate to anyone going...or, at least, it often seems that way and we can't count the times she's been used and then chucked.

We agreed that you should think you are a prize and act the part. You should have confidence that you can keep a man's interest and not have to sleep with him immediately to 'win' him. 

I think there is some truth to this definitely. Still, it doesn't account for my high sex drive...

Sooo....my new years resolution for 2013? To get a f$ckin' excellent vibrator to keep me satisfied and to be a 'little' more restrained with my bed hopping antics to see if it results in more fruitful and satisfactory outcomes...

It isn't going to be easy but maybe if I view it as a sort of year of experiment...maybe that will help keep me focused!

Let's face it: it isn't going to work

I should be feeling great this morning after cooking a kick-ass Christmas feast for 12 people in someone  else's kitchen but I feel quite sad.

Maybe it is a hangover or lack of sleep...I could blame these things. However, I think it is the realisation that as much as I'd like things to work out with Mr Sporty...I feel in my heart of hearts they are not going to.

Let's look at the positives first. We have a great chemistry and we really fancy each other. Good start eh? Conversation comes easily and we're both nice people (he's not a dickhead) who work in the same industry and we both appreciate each other right down to the little things. We're different but that is okay. The sex is really good, he's very sensual and he's a great kisser. He ticks a lot of boxes.

But then there are some major boxes he doesn't tick. He has been single for a long time. He likes his space and his freedom and he's not sure that it will be easy for him to change though he wants to try. His moods fluctuate. One minute he's with me and he feels so present and so there and then the next he's as far away as he can possibly be.

A challenge is one thing but I think this is going to be some awful hard work and whilst I can try to be patient and easy-going there is not a lot else I can do. We've talked about it and he has said that there will come a point soon where he'll know if he can or can't commit. And if he can't...it won't be me. It will simply be him not being ready or willing. He tells me this so I don't get attached and so I can protect myself and not get hurt.

It has been three weeks of seeing this guy and he's telling me this late last night as we head back to mine. We then get into bed and it is fantastic for ten or so hours. We talk and play with each other all night and it feels so good and we're both happy. In these moments he says that he cannot imagine walking away but we know that this is only in these moments. The morning will come, the day will develop and then he'll slip away again. Which he does...like someone flipped a switch around 11am.

And it makes me feel really sad because its just another hope I pinned on someone that will probably never come to light. It was all the promise and potential that I can now see slipping through my fingers once again. I haven't liked someone like this in some while and now I know I will have to draw in a breath, take a step back, push through the pain and watch it all unfold and play out.

I would like to be wrong. I could be wrong and pessimistic but so many other past experiences have told me not to kid myself. Still, I'll hold on and see...and then I'll deal with it and keep moving on.

Pleasantly surprised...

Once again I take back some of the sentiments from my last post. My friend truly surprised me. We got to talking about the whole situation in bed the next day and I revealed my true feelings and thoughts - heck, he even read the blog posts I wrote here, despite my nervousness about his reaction - and you know what? He handled the honesty and was understanding and really mature about it. It was all fine.

We spent the weekend being fairly intimate but mainly relaxing together, safe in the knowledge that we are good friends and we want it to remain that way. There was no pressure, no expectation. Just enjoyment. It seemed we both understood the situation and left with no plans or thoughts other than that we had a good time and had grown closer with more respect for one another.

Fortunately the love bite had also faded somewhat by the time I returned to work today, although a colleague did comment on it when we went out the day after on the Friday. I told a blatant fib and mumbled an excuse about stress and rashes...He pretended to swallow it and asked no more. You can't hide these things really, but at the same time if you don't wish to take someone into your confidence and relate what privately goes on in the bedroom then that should be respected too
...says she writing about it openly on the Internet.

So...no drama. Nothing to worry myself about. I am really happy about how it has all turned out. Another lesson learnt...everyone is different and I need to be careful with past experiences leading to preconceived ideas.