Mr Sporty: the end to that story

So I never finished the Mr Sporty story…

I can summarise it for you quickly in the few bullet points below:

- Desire led to us being back in bed together just before Christmas

- Naïve hope made me think this might be a good sign and a turning point

-Fear of Commitment prevailed on his part however (or whatever other issues of which I know nothing)

- Farewells were finally said as I summoned, with some difficulty, the strength I needed to walk away (though not without having goodbye sex).

Now we are back at work after the Christmas break and this whole episode might as well never have happened. I refuse to make any special effort and him likewise, though we are friendly enough in social situations. I guess it makes life easier in a way...

It is rather weird...but I'm proud of myself for not showing my emotions or disappointment. I should have known from the start it was never going to amount to anything. I let the wicked sex taint my perception...it still clouds my vision when I'm feeling a little fragile from time to time. When I find the urge to text him coming on I write the message in a note book instead. Texts he'll never get like: 'I want to fuck you still...' etc - when I'm feeling drunk and horny and not thinking too straight.

A fellow colleague of mine (remember The Nowhere Man?) has just met a girl and he's a great inspiration to look to. He's so excited about this new girl, he's practically doing kart-wheels. The girl is in for a treat as he's got all sorts of nice plans lined up for when she comes to visit soon. I sit and listen to him and I look at the smile on his face and his general cheer - this is a guy who is keen. This is what was missing with me and Mr Sporty (well...except in the bedroom).

I hope I can take note of this so I don't make the same mistake again later down the line.

This last year has certainly been a year about doing my best to keep my chin up in situations where in the past I would have crumpled and given into blind emotion. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the emotion but I try not to wear my heart on my sleeves quite as much these days and I certainly avoid degrading or shaming myself at all costs.

Dare I say I've learnt from all that experience? Well...I hope so. Always one step closer I'd like to think...Guess only time will tell.

So...I was saying about Self-Respect...

...and more so self-discipline...

It isn't easy to put the theory into practise! I have the right mentality but never underestimate LUST (or I prefer the term: DESIRE).* 

This is why it was decreed a cardinal sin...it is a powerful force to be reckoned with.

So just to give you a little update on my ongoing love soap opera...

As you know, I called things off with Mr Sporty. I went to Madrid and I didn't throw myself into the arms of my Spanish friend, namely because I didn't think it was a good idea nor did I want to, but I could have been selfish and reckless and followed the manta:

'the best way to get over someone is to get under some one.'

But I'm beyond this way of thinking these days and I don't necessarily agree with it. I just slowly accepted that I was back to being Miss Solo again. It isn't the end of the world.

Then came the night at the creperia when I had my first slip up. I embraced Mr Sporty to say goodbye, after a group of us had gone there to watch some live music, and there was some awkward Spanish-style-two-kisses-on-the-cheek malarky and then I wandered down the hill drunk lamenting to the universe, arms dramatically held aloft and doing what I often do when drunk and impetuous (ah who gives a f&ck!)....texting.

'You know it takes some effort to stop myself from wanting you sometimes...'

Followed by

'And I'll regret sending that message in ten minutes...'

Eek! Not ideal behaviour whatsoever. I then crawled into bed and promptly passed out.

I woke up to his reply in the morning:

'Had to draw back earlier too...'

Okay...a little stroke to the ego and not so bad. I didn't beat myself up and I just left it. I'm only human, I'm allowed some hiccups.

But then the Christmas party came on Friday... (to be continued)

* Lust / Desire plays a big role in this story and requires further analysis at some point.

Emotional v Rational: Self-Respect

One of the reasons I began this blog was because I wanted to talk and explore at times the topic of self-respect. In the past, this element was highly lacking in much of the way I conducted myself in and out of my relationships, although I didn't realise it. I learnt the hard way through experience. 

Today when I look around and listen to other women's stories, I often find I'm not the only one with this problem. As I continue to write this blog, I hope to explore the topic in great depth but today it we'll just touch upon it a little.

RS: So you - we - should be really proud of ourselves.

ES: Hmm...Nope, I feel glum...Glum, Glum, GLUM!

RS: Well, you were never a great one at letting go...but you've done it before, you can do it again.

ES: Yeah but it sucks. He was the closest thing to perfect in ages.

RS: I know, I know and whilst you can't deny or suppress these sad feelings, you know they will play out of your system eventually. Just keep them behind closed doors as much as possible, ok? Don't keep sharing them with any one who's around to listen -that's also a big flaw of yours.

ES: Yeah I know...

RS: Listen. You did the right thing by calling it off with Mr Sporty and taking a step back. If you'd carried on - sure, you would have been happier for a little while but the doubt would have kept nagging. You would have been living in a dream world and the longer you'd stayed in it, the harder the fall would have been later. Not only did you protect yourself but you did the most positive thing you could have done because you gave him space to work out how he feels in his own time without pressure or coercion. 

ES: I suppose...

RS: No, I am right. If he comes back to you now then it is because he has decided he wants you - not simply because he's going through the obligatory functions and playing out the role expected, all the while thinking about how to break it to you gently. 

ES: I really don't think he's going to come back though...

RS: Well then...he wasn't right for you and never was. I know it hurts but it is best to know this now. And anyway, if he doesn't come back? Well, you've handled it really well and he's still being cool with you so you've saved face and you might still have a great friendship. Plus he does fancy you. You know he does - there is no disputing that. It is just that he's very settled in his ways. He probably still wants you even now but he can't and that's just tough luck I'm afraid. He can't have his cake and eat it. If you're going to get glum behind closed doors...let him get sexually frustrated. 

ES: I guess I can take some comfort in that.

RS: Do, but then move on.

ES: I will try my hardest. Your logic helps to soothe the blow...but sometimes I let it all build up and I get sad again - you know those times - when you're alone or walking -times when you get stuck inside your head. Plus I can't help it. I do wait to see what will happen next.

RS: I know, but just keep those thoughts inside and take pleasure in the here and now. Go walk by the sea if you have to. As for waiting to see what happens - sure, watch if you can't help it, but also start looking at other avenues. Don't become obsessional. Don't chase after more grief.

ES: When you put it that way it does sound like solid advice.

RS: It is. You deserve to be treated well and adored and you deserve to be happy - so do all you can to make that your obsession if necessary.

ES: Thanks...

RS: And I'll always be here to listen and talk it though.